Irrelevantism

So this is basically hilarious,

So a few days ago the Force Unleashed Demo came out and I think the only thing I have to say is, damn.

Damn its good. Damn I can’t wait for it to come out. Damn why couldn’t they have used this to make a new Kyle Katarn game.

I know its been years and with the prequels and the upcoming television series’ it seems like there is little room for a new Jedi Knight game. That being said, and knowing how much people on the internet loves lists, I present you four reasons why Dark Forces V (Jedi Knight 4) should be the follow up to The Force Unleashed.

4. After Jedi Knight Comes Jedi Master

One of the things that always bothered me about Jedi Outcast was that Kyle Katarn has to be reverted back to a non force user so that the player could have the experience of becoming a Jedi. Kyle’s abandonment of the force, while interesting from a character stand point, felt shoe horned in. Coupled with the fact that a major complaint about the game was that you didn’t start with a lightsaber this decision on a whole felt like the wrong way to go. The complaint is also the main reason you start with a lightsaber in Jedi Academy but then here we’re cheated out of the chance to play as Kyle Katarn in what turned out to be the last game in the series. This is why the series needs a title change and new look, hence Jedi Master. Start with Katarn as a Jedi Knight and follow as he harnesses the Force in new ways to become a Jedi Master. This leads me to my next point.

3. The New Jedi Order

Back in 1999 Del Ray started a 19 book series that shook up the star wars galaxy, and Kyle Katarn was no were to be seen. O.K. he has one line in the final book, and an off hand mention in another, but other than that, nothing. This is the perfect setting and there is more than enough material there for at least a trilogy of games, or just one big epic one that spans the many years of the New Jedi Order time period. It’s also an unexplored time period out side of the books, oddly the only non-novel story to take place entirely in the New Jedi Order era is a story from Star Wars Tales 21 staring Kyle Katarn.

2. We Have The Technology

With the Force Unleashed, Lucasarts has the tech to make a game that is significantly different from previous Jedi Knight games, a new direction for a new generation of gaming. The Dark Forces/Jedi Knight series has already reinvented itself before and it wouldn’t be unprecedented for them to do so again. As previously mentioned calling the series Jedi Master just seems like a no-brainer at this point. Also, while I haven’t actually played The Force Unleashed yet, it appears to be a more or less self contained story, much like Shadows of the Empire. This leaves options wide open for the inevitable sequel to what is building up to be a very successful game.

1. It would let you play as Kyle Katarn again!

Even without a game in recent years Kyle has managed to remain not just a fan favorite but also integral to star wars canon at large. If anything Kyle’s following has branched outside of the video game crowd and into mainstream EU. Expanded Universe, not European Union, although I’m sure Kyle is quite popular in Sweden…I can however not prove that at this time.

In closing, we have a popular character whose activities during an important time in Star Wars “history” are unrecorded, coupled with a powerful new in house game engine and design team. I wont hold my breath on it, but I don’t think its outside of the realm of possibility that we’ll see another Jedi Knight game be announced in the near future.

While when it comes to animation I’m hardly Lunchbox over here, I did do a stop motion short 5 years ago now. Makes for a good quick post, its Friday people, I got places to be, Jeez. Enjoy will ya.

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Besides the all to obvious portal joke thats being made here I am very much still alive. There are also going to be some interesting things coming in the following weeks. As we enter the fall months the 2008 presidential election looms ever closer, and even though we here at Irrelevantism are Canadian we will soon be endorsing one of the two potential candidates. So stay tuned for political intrigue, for now…courage.

and this.

You know this guy? Wanna know why he’s called Lunchbox when it is clearly a fat joke and he is rocking the third world hunger crises look so effortlessly? If you do you’re probably a 11-17 year old kid at a UCLA summer camp; Assuming that’s the case skip ahead till after the pictures and you can read why, as for the real people Lunchbox is more commonly known and Ryan Mashall. In fact it turns out he’s a pretty talented animator, as is evidence by the following.

Told you the guy had talent. You can check out more of his stuff at his site. I however am a man of my word and I promised to tell a bunch of kids why his nickname is Lunchbox, and why it’s stuck for so long. So here begins the tale.

It all began on a weekend in oh lets say grade ten. Ryan and myself were playing Eternal Darkness Sanity’s Requiem (The most underrated video game of all time, for the record). So as we took turns consuming massive amounts of four layer cheese pizza and actually playing the game, we would yell insults at the character on screen in a humor-laced attempt to actually encourage the portly pixels to run faster. As the day trudged onwards and the pizza was eaten, the video games turned frustrating, we began to slinging the insults at one another. By the time the rest of our social clique had arrived I’d taken to calling Ryan Lunchbox, or tons of fun, or fat ass. All mostly in reference to the Jay and Silent Bob type of relationship we had in hazy days or high school. It was Lunchbox that stuck in the end, there was also a t-shirt at one point that I think his ex-girlfriend still has. Anyways, story times over, shut your faces and go play Eternal Darkness, watch Clerks, and eat pizza with 4 layers of extra cheese, cause your 11-17 and you can.

The Original Lunchbox from Eternal Darkness

So just a quick update and treat for you guys today, cause I know your just sitting in your cubical at work pretending to be productive while you re-read my article on post-modernism looking for spelling errors. Thats right, you know who you are. This being the case, I thought I’d bring us another scene from the comic team BriTANicK. Good sketch comedy is hard to find, as is clearly evident from some of the just awful stuff out there. This makes it all the more worthwhile when you stumble upon some interesting well done stuff. So without further ado, I give you A Monologue for Thee By BriTANick. Enjoy.

I am still alive and so is irrelvantism, this thing called life just keeps getting in the way. So I’ve go through my nightly routine of food, 20 minutes of half-life two, and then going to bed so i’m going to leave you with this. Mike Stephens’ review of Indian Jones and The Temple of the Crystal Skull. (Mike is the co-host for Irreleivantism Free Radio for you people who only read this) its got a few spoilers in it but i figure the film has been out long enough that this is all nothing new.

Indiana Jones and the Impeccable Review to Help You Save Your Money

As an introduction, I don’t quite know why this movie even needs a review. Frankly, by the time a 4^th installment of a franchise rolls around, most people are already decided for or against the series as a whole. Nonetheless, let us start at the chronological beginning, where most good movies, Memento aside, choose to open. This movie, like good movies, starts at a chronological beginning, but that is where the similarities between Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and good movies end.

Alright, I just want to put something out there for you. George Lucas has a fur fetish. Anyone who has seen his Star Wars works, and that means approximately 200% of the population, will agree that Lucas has never shied away from having the protagonists assisted by cute cuddly creatures for some arbitrary reason, despite their dubious ability to actually provide any legitimate help (exception, Chewbacca…but seriously, fuck the ewoks and their two foot bows, those couldn’t penetrate plastoid armor…yeah, I’m a Star Wars fag). The opening of the movie depicts some odd ball ground hogs for no good reason. Sad to say, this won’t be the last time we see these computer generated furries either.

As an important note, this movie takes place approximately 20 years after the original series, in 1957. The movie opens with Nazi…check that…Soviet soldiers, led by Cate Blanchett infiltrating Area 51. We are then re-introduced to Indiana Jones, now geriatric, with the same bravado of his youth. He gets double crossed by some random guy (that’s nothing new), and is then forced to find some artifact that he once unearthed, the Crystal Skull. During this scene, we have the same old pitched battle of completely unfair odds where Indy yet again survives, but this time, my disbelief could not remain suspended. Han Solo is now 65 years old, he’s not that fucking agile anymore. This scene should be commended for the fan service, at one moment during this fight, we get to see the ark of the covenant, and let’s face it, growing up that thing captivated me more than the attic where my parents kept my Christmas presents.

Let’s flash forward to how Indy escapes. He gets on a rocket sled, a fucking rocket sled, and then winds up in a Nuclear testing sight, directly prior to the launch of an A-bomb (thanks, Spielberg, without this test, we couldn’t know it’s the fifties). Indy survives this by hiding inside a Refrigerator with an conveniently placed sticker saying ‘lead lined.’ Really. After a surprisingly amusing cameo from Janitor as an FBI agent, we are treated to some contrived plot about Blachcett and then it’s back to Marshall College for some more pointless story about how indy needs to leave the college.

While leaving, we finally get introduced to Shia Lebeouf, whose entrance in this movie wins the Jason Bateman (from Juno) terrible exit or entrance of the year award. Lebeouf, playing a greaser (again, thanks Spielberg. I get it, it’s the 50s), actually drives his hog along a train platform to get into contact with Indy about an old friend and blah blah blah…Shia Lebeouf is a fucking greaser. I’m pretty sure that Spielberg broke into Marlon Brando’s estate and stole the costume from The Wild One and asked Shia to put it on. He obviously complied. But no no, the nigh emaciated Shia rode in on a motorcycle. I guess since it’s only 1957, jet packs aren’t around yet. Oh, and by the way, later in the movie, you learn that Lebeouf’s character, named Mutt, is actually the son of Indiana Jones, and if you couldn’t tell that from the very beginning, you’re a fucking moron and I hope someone kills you in the dark.

If this review hasn’t taught you anything yet, it’s that movies need not be judged solely on plot contrivances alone. In fact, I haven’t really touched too much on the plot, because it’s essentially ancillary at this point. This movie is really about fucking or unearthing corpses, depending on whether you’re defining character or story. It’s fair to say I didn’t like this movie, but it’s only decent of me to give it a good burial. Moving straight along,

I want to actually talk about my deepest grievance with this movie. And yes, my previous page was me being nice. I want to talk about a very specific point in the movie, the point where for me, I decided that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas actually sat together in their money chairs, drinking their money-tinis, while eating their money and furry salads and devised a way to bilk idiots (myself included) of their money.

This scene took place about an hour and a half in, and it consisted of Indy and his crew, which consisted of his son and baby momma and the guy who double crossed him at the opening of the movie who was actually like a quintuple agent or something. Anyhow, it was a car chase between Indy’s group and Cate Blanchett’s group, and there’s a scene where Shia Lebeouf engages in a sword fight with Cate Blanchett between the two cars. That’s actually kinda bad ass at first, but then Lebeouf gets one foot caught on each car. The scene just molests (image of woody allen?) my ability to suspend disbelief, and not just because of the super tight jeans that Mutt was wearing. He continues fighting this dame, legs akimbo like Raven Riley, and all the while he repeatedly gets struck in the coin purse by all forms of flora. And despite running head long (trust me, head long), into this shrubbery at breakneck speeds while perched precariously between two uneven levels, he maintains his foothold.

Oh, and to make matters worse, Mutt eventually gets caught on some vines, and sling shots up into the tree tops with a whole slew of fucking cute as can be computer generated monkeys. And that distinct moment, I noticed sticky white splotches on the film, because obviously Lucas had gotten a hand (or other appendages) on this part. As the two cars travel at immense speeds along the jungle floor, Mutt manages to get himself back into the fight by swinging on vines with his like primate friends, and indeed he leads an assault with these furry buggers that proves to be vastly successful on the Soviet Shock Troops. If I’m lying I’m dying, and if this appeals to you, then might I suggest you show up at the Skywalker Ranch dressed as the Easter bunny so you can blow Lucas. Anyone who saw Star Wars Episode II should already know the routine.

I’d be lying if I said that I hated every aspect of this movie. If there is one classic aspect of Indiana Jones movies these wealthy bearded dickbags didn’t fuck up, it’s that the gold standard for awesome villain deaths. During that drawn out jungle car chase/fight, some Fire Ants attacked and swarmed a couple Soviet Troops, devouring them as their shrieked mightily for help. And that’s too fucking wicked for words.

I hope you do because Irrelevantism Free Radio’s start time has been pushed back from 8pm to 9pm. Now I know what your thinking, sweet merciful all mighty ewok in the sky how will I ever live through this whole hour of my life without the soothing voices of Matt Loeb and Michael Stephens? Well here are just a few suggestions for you.

1. Click an ad on the site. The ads take you to wonderful websites full of products you can buy, and who doesn’t love spending money!

2. Learn a second language. Always wanted to master Modern Hebrew? How about an official trade language like Esperanto, or Icelandic so you can understand the obscure references in Björk songs. There’s no time like the present!

3. Get really super high. Makes the time go by and the show better when it eventual does come on, so its win win.

So there, I’ve practically done your job for you. See you tonight kids, and remember.

Thats right ladies and gents, I’ve harnessed the infinite power of the internet to create my own…ready for this? Internet radio show, aptly tittled Irrelevantism Free Radio. So I’ll just let this little video explain the details.

So stop on by, we’ll be waiting. Also, if there is anything you’d like to hear discussed on the show, drop a request in the comments section of this post. We might talk about it, ya know, if we feel like it.

I usually find the internet is full of bad short films and un-funny sketches, but every once and a while i stumble across something that I’m genuinely impressed with. The following clip doesn’t need a lot of introduction or explanation, it keeps its self short and to the point and doesn’t over play its joke. So I tip my hat to its creator, and I hope you guys enjoy it.